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DIVORCE MEDIATION
Mediation is “Green Divorce.”
If a couple has decided to end their marriage there’s no reason to keep fighting. Mediation can be the fastest and best route to beginning your lives apart, especially if there are children. Mediation can save you time and money, and make your children’s well-being the priority.
Some people don’t know how to put their anger aside. Some people don’t know how not to fight.
Others learn how to find fair resolution as well as a solution that works without an all-out war.
This is mediation, an economical, roll-up-your-sleeves way of resolving things.
Parties who mediate recognize a need to make a choice- they would rather be happy than right.
Mediation helps you find a solution that works for you and your particular problem. You can tailor make your agreement in the peace and privacy of my office, rather than fight in a public courtroom in front of a judge. Mediation provides a way to move forward without getting bogged down in years of litigation, legal fees, and aggravation.
Attorney Filan is a skilled mediator who cuts through to the heart of the problem and helps you craft the answer that works just right for you.
I love the 'eggshell' rule which means you must take people as you find them and accept them as they are, not as you would have them be. It comes from tort law (technically called the “eggshell skull” or “eggshell plaintiff” doctrine). We don’t know who’s strong, who’s weak, who will break. We must take people as we find them. We must be careful, mindful of one another. Doctors pledged in the original Hippocratic oath, Do No Harm. As a family lawyer, I have learned “take no prisoners” doesn’t work. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Which means wait, and then don’t. There is no “win” in a family case. She who has peace wins. Popular divorce culture tells us kindness is weak, and peace is for sissies. Winners get even. Having toiled in the wartime fields of divorce and seen the family carnage, the hurt children, the embittered spouses, the drained bank accounts, the college savings spent in battle, I preach a different message. Make love not war. I know how to help.” - SUSAN F. FILAN
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DIVORCE COACHING
Divorce is a financial transaction just like dissolving a business, partnership or corporation. It is mostly a matter of money. But because the partnership was once romantic, and based on the most intimate bond humans can form, its disruption wreaks havoc on human emotion.
What might seem otherwise like a logical division of income, assets and property, becomes a battle of wills and hearts and egos. And what worse place to take such an unruly battle than to the courtroom, the place where logic and reason prevail over passion and emotion? This is why divorce court is so unsatisfying- people want an all out battle to avenge their broken hearts or their bruised egos, but the court only wants to divide what it can- the marital estate- money, property and things. And in a no-fault state, which means that anyone who wants “out” can simply file for divorce without having to prove any reason, such as adultery, fault is largely irrelevant.
Tell that to a cuckolded spouse who still has to fork over half his pay for life. “It’s not fair…” is the familiar moan, or “I would rather give it to my lawyer than to my spouse”. But when the legal bills come due, and you end up paying your lawyer for essentially an emotionally unsatisfying fight, you wish you had taken that trip to Europe, bought that antique sports car, had the plastic surgery, paid for your children’s college, or whatever else is on your list of fancies. Giving it to your lawyer to spite your spouse never seems to feel very good in the end, except to your lawyer.
This is why I am in favor of “Green Divorce” (mediation). Or, if you are going to litigate, have something to fight about. Perhaps you really do not agree on the value of the family business. You think it is worth $100,000 and he/she thinks it is worth $1,000,000. That does make a difference in the division of a marital estate, and that is something the courts can be helpful with. Or the future value of a pension, or the speculative nature of the value of future assets, such as the earnings of a stock broker or professional athlete.
But courts are not the place to seek redress for broken hearts, angry feelings, bruised egos, or a desire to punish your departing spouse.
When it comes to divorce, let cooler heads prevail, let reason, not emotion sway your decision. Work out your feelings with your therapist, and know that it’s almost always just about money when you go to your lawyer. The courts will be of little help when it comes to making you right and your ex wrong.
You will pay to get divorced- but how much and to whom is more in your hands than you may realize if you keep an open heart, a cool head, and allow logic and reason, not poison emotion, to prevail.
Duis mollis, est non commodo luctus, nisi erat porttitor ligula, eget lacinia odio sem nec elit. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Donec sed odio dui. Fusce dapibus, tellus ac cursus commodo, tortor mauris condimentum nibh, ut fermentum justo risus. Praesent commodo cursus magna, vel scelerisque nisl consectetur et. Sed posuere consectetur est at lobortis. Donec id elit non mi porta gravida at eget metus. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Duis mollis, est non commodo luctus, nisi erat porttitor ligula, eget lacinia odio sem nec elit. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Donec sed odio dui. Fusce dapibus, tellus ac cursus commodo, tortor mauris condimentum nibh, ut fermentum justo risus. Praesent commodo cursus magna, vel scelerisque nisl consectetur et. Sed posuere consectetur est at lobortis. Donec id elit non mi porta gravida at eget metus. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo.“ - SUSAN F. FILAN
SERVICES AS UNIQUE AS YOU
I recognize you. I know you.
You feel frazzled, anxious and scared. You feel trapped in your marriage. You feel unseen, unheard, devalued and disrespected. You feel criticized, put down and controlled. You fear there is No Way Out. And you blame yourself.
You gave up your career for the sake of Marriage, Home and Family. He said he would work and his career would carry you all. You thought it over, and you agreed. It all sounded good. You had a deal. But now, he thinks all the money is his, because he earns it.
You know that isn’t true, but what power do you have? What voice? You live under foreign rule without embassy. What you believe doesn’t seem to matter.
He rules. You cower. Or sulk. Or argue. Whatever. Different tactic, same result.
Where did all your power go? What happened to your spark? Your flame? Your hope? What happened to the girl you used to be?
What if I told you the way out was inside? What if I told you that you have all the answers inside you? You do.
Here is what I want you to do. (Try it. Even if you think it won’t work. Even if your inner skeptic is going nuts.)
Get quiet. Get very still. Go to the still quiet place inside of you. Close your eyes if you feel safe. And breathe. Stay in this still quiet place for 2 minutes. Set a timer if it helps you relax. It may take a minute at first, because you might only hear the rage, the pain, the fear. But hang on, it will pass, and you will find that shiny original spark inside yourself that is your True You. The You that lives behind and under the fear and pain and worry. The You that is only Love. Divine Eternal Love.
There is a part of you that knows you are dreaming when you are asleep. There is a part of you that knows you are sleeping when you are asleep. Who is that? That is the Divine Eternal You. The Real You. When you change your focus from the scared Woman to the Divine Spark of Eternal Love, feel your spirit rise.
Duis mollis, est non commodo luctus, nisi erat porttitor ligula, eget lacinia odio sem nec elit. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Donec sed odio dui. Fusce dapibus, tellus ac cursus commodo, tortor mauris condimentum nibh, ut fermentum justo risus. Praesent commodo cursus magna, vel scelerisque nisl consectetur et. Sed posuere consectetur est at lobortis. Donec id elit non mi porta gravida at eget metus. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Duis mollis, est non commodo luctus, nisi erat porttitor ligula, eget lacinia odio sem nec elit. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo. Donec sed odio dui. Fusce dapibus, tellus ac cursus commodo, tortor mauris condimentum nibh, ut fermentum justo risus. Praesent commodo cursus magna, vel scelerisque nisl consectetur et. Sed posuere consectetur est at lobortis. Donec id elit non mi porta gravida at eget metus. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nullam quis risus eget urna mollis ornare vel eu leo.” - SUSAN F. FILAN